I Hope You Never Find This
by Fiaba
Summary: Norm finds something of Trudy's which she had hoped he never would: a letter for just in case. Trudy's last message to him, because people with hearts as strong as Trudy's are never really lost. Not to those who love them.


**Author's Note: Right. Well. I got my lazy self typing and sort of splurged this up onto the screen. I'm not sure it's very good, but I think I needed to get it off my chest. I've only seen Avatar once, so I do apologise if there are things which don't quite match up with the film. I hope you don't find it too boring or weird.**

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Living a day to day existence and trying to regain some sense of normality is possibly the hardest thing to do when a piece of your heart and soul has been snatched away from under your nose. And now Norm Spellman was being forced to realise this. He had never, ever expected anything which had happened in the past months to happen. Not to him. He was _Norm Spellman_, the one who was always usurped by the flashy, cool guy. The one who had read at least six times as much as an average human his age. And the one who got dumped by Harriet Spratley - a girl whom everyone was _sure_ had an unhealthy amount of facial hair - in the ninth grade.

He wasn't the guy who got involved in major resistance forces against the largest non-governmental organisation in the whole of _space. _He wasn't the guy who took two bullets to the chest and shoulder in the thick of battle. And he certainly wasn't the guy who thought he would fall head over heels for a tough-as-old-boots ex-marine.

But all that had happened anyway. Although in retrospect, Norm realised he probably should have figured that everything had changed when Trudy Chacon came swooping into his life, seizing his heart as she did. Trudy had been a gift to him. But she was a gift whom the world had decided was too precious to let him keep and quickly took back from him

Now what was he left with? A void in his life which no-one, no matter how hard they tried, could ever fill. Because it was a Trudy-shaped void, and there was definitely only ever going to be one Trudy. Norm had hardly had time to grieve the loss of her properly in the past few days, since Pandora was in chaos. The aftermath of the battle was hell. So many were dead on both sides and still more were yet to be found whilst their loved ones were forced to wait, not knowing whether they were alive or dead. Norm wondered whether it was a blessing or a cruelty that he knew for sure that Trudy was gone. He had closure this way, but with closure came the loss of hope. He couldn't pretend that there was a chance he would ever see Trudy again, because the bitter truth was that he wouldn't.

And so, now that the raging hurricane of battle had calmed slightly, Norm found himself where it had really all begun with Trudy. He had returned to the bunker where he had spent the best two-and-a –half months of his life. It was dusty and battered, having stood witness to violence never seen before on Pandora's soil, but it was still the same bunker and Norm couldn't stop the memories flooding back as he looked around, sweeping the small rooms. All the things they'd done together, the things they'd talked about. Even the times when no-one had said anything at all. Had he realised how blessed he was during those two months? How he wished he could have them back now.

Norm found himself beside her bed, drawn to it like a magnet. A trembling hand stretched out to touch the place where her head had lain each night – Before she'd started sharing _his _bed, that is. He brushed his fingers over the pillow and, unable to stop himself, he lifted it, wishing he could just catch her scent again. So that he would be able to remember the good times and pretend that she would come through the door any second. But it only smelled cold and unused now, even though it wasn't that long since it was hers. Norm let it fall miserably. There was nothing to be gained here.

And then he saw it. A battered piece of paper with her achingly familiar, sprawling handwriting covering it, squished up small so that it would all fit. And Norm's heart started doing acrobatics inside his chest as he picked up the paper and began to read.

"_Norm,_

_First off, the reason I'm doing this on a scrappy bit of paper which I found under the seat in the Samson is because I couldn't find the bloody camera. Where the hell do you lot keep it? How am I supposed to leave you an emotional reminder of me if you hide the equipment? Well it's your fault that you only get a shitty letter. Maybe it's better though, 'cause I'm probably gonna start snivelling like a baby and I sure as hell don't want video evidence of that. _

"_I really hope the only person who ever knows what I've written on this bit of paper is me, because if you're reading it, then it means... Well. It means the battle didn't go so well for me, right? Yeah, just my luck. Typical. I guess I kinda expected it. A battle like that was never gonna be too pretty, so I don't know what shit was going through my mind when I decided to jump right in. I should've run away while I had the chance. Ha ha, only joking, Norm. You know I wanted to do it, it's just too bad it didn't work out the way I was hoping it would. How come you get to be the one who stays alive, eh? Ain't that a bitch... "_

Norm had asked himself that countless times. Why was he the one who had to keep going without her? There genuinely was nothing he could think of which he wouldn't do to be able to have her back with him. Reading her letter just made tore open the wounds all over again. He sat down abruptly, feeling a stab of painful heartache. This was the last thing of Trudy's he would have. Her last thoughts. After this... That would be it. Trudy would really be gone.

"_Well at least you survived, right? I don't want to think about the crap you must be going through now. Dealing with the mayhem which'll come from what's about to happen and all that. God, Norm, this is one shitty situation. I'm writing a letter to you which you'll only read if I die. Whilst waiting for Jake to tell me to get my ass over there so I can risk my life. Why'd it have to be this way, huh? You don't know how much I wish I could just chill out here with you for the rest of my life. Get old together and do all those normal things. _

"It's not fair..." Norm whispered as desperate wishes came flashing to the surface. Wishes that would never, _could_ never come true.

"_But it doesn't look like we're gonna have the chance to do that at the moment, 'cause there's one hell of a storm coming. I don't like to think that this'll be the end for me, because God knows I want to survive. This is... I'm just writing this in case that doesn't happen, Norm. So I know you'll have something from me to cheer you up. 'Cause I know you're doing that sorrowful, lost puppy thing at the moment. So smile, moron! You're alive. That's a good thing. Even if you don't have me there to laugh at your goofy Avatar face or let you manhandle my baby anymore. _

"_Speaking of my baby... I guess that got smashed up too. Quaritch is such a bitch, y'know? No respect for quality crafts. I bet he's pissing around in that stupid lump of metal he calls a ship right now, spouting some kind of bullshit about the evils of Pandora. God, I can't wait to mess him up. 'Cause that's what I'm gonna do, yeah? Even if it kills me. Which, I suppose, it has if you're reading this. That's a weird idea and I sure as hell don't like the thought of leaving you wandering around on your own. Dangerous planet, y'know?" _

Of course he knew. He'd always known that a planet as hostile as Pandora would be a place of danger. Humans couldn't even breathe the air. They weren't meant to live here; it wasn't home for them. Yet still they tried, and just look at the cost of it all. The brightest, most brilliant of people were snuffed out in an instant. Like Trudy. Norm closed his eyes, the agony of losing her resurfacing with a vengeance. "Oh Trudy..." He muttered. "God, I miss you." Eyes fell back down to the page, desperate to keep reading her words.

"_Maybe I should get to the point now, instead of yammering about Quaritch. I was never one for this writing lark. I'm all about the action, as you should know by now. Point is, I love you. I didn't get to tell you that enough times, but it's true. I swear. It's not something I planned, mind. Didn't expect to fall in love with a geeky science guy – ha." _

Not entirely consciously, Norm raised an eyebrow indignantly.

"_I bet you've got that indignant look on your face now. Don't worry, it was always cute. Anyway. I know you love me too. And you'd better STILL love me, even if I don't make it, got that? Just because we won't see each other for a bit doesn't mean you've got an excuse to run off with some smart-ass science chick, okay? Glad that's sorted. _

"_Okay, maybe that was mean. I want you to be happy, even if I'm not there to be happy with you. Is that possible, you reckon? Happy in a Trudy-free world? –_

"No." Norm answered Trudy out loud, staring at the page before him. His vision blurred as all that pent-up grief overcame the fragile barriers he had put up since learning of Trudy's death and he felt like someone was constricting his chest, his throat, his _heart_. As if he could ever look at some smart-ass science chick when the memory of Trudy's rakish grin was forever etched into his mind. His breathing was ragged as he slowly read on, hand shaking slightly.

"_Well anyway. I know how I'd feel if something took you away from me. I guess I'd be going "what's the point?" I don't know how I'd manage without you. You're... You're part of me now, you know? And if you're feeling like a part of _you_ is missing, then... Well that's true, if you love me like I think you do. 'Cause whether you like it or not, I reckon we're part of each other. Urgh, Norm, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm not trying to make you sad or anything; hell, this was meant to be something that would make you happier. Y'know. Just in case I'm not there to do it myself. _

"_Damn, you'd be better at this than me. You're good with words and all that stuff. I guess I'm just saying... Be happy. Keep loving me, because I'm gonna keep loving you from wherever I am, but don't give up. I know life's being a bitch to us at the moment and it ain't fair, but let's not whine too much. Besides, you know what the Na'vi are all about. A circle of life, right? Everything's connected. So I'll be around. Somewhere. If you need me, just... Just look at the sky and remember... _

"_...Remember that you're a really crappy pilot, so don't you dare try flying without someone who knows what they're doing. I mean it, Norm. Shit, that wasn't supposed to be my point. Sorry. Let's try again. When you miss me, which you undoubtedly will, just think like the Na'vi. I'll be in your world still. I'll be in the trees and the earth and those funny-looking things whose name I could never remember. You know, the one which looks like a bit of dandelion fluff? Yeah. Them."_

Norm smiled in spite of himself, the scientist part of him immediately bringing the correct name to mind. The Woodsprite. _Atokirina_, in Na'vi. And that sounded about right for Trudy, because they were the purest of spirits. They were beautiful things floating on the wind. They brought goodness to whoever they chose to rest on. Just like Trudy. She was tough, sure, so perhaps a delicate Woodsprite wasn't a direct reflection of her. But in many ways it was. She took to the skies and travelled freely, she brought goodness to the man whom she had chosen to settle on and without a doubt, she had a pure spirit. No question about it.

"_And most of all, you'll always have me, okay? Remember everything we did together and remember that it was GOOD. It was the best time of my life, and hopefully the best of yours too. I know that everything's a bit crappy on Pandora, but we still had a damn good time, right? But everything has to end at some point. Everything. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. It's just it had to end a bit sooner than we wanted, but... That's okay. If I die today, then I'll die knowing I did what was right. My life will have actually meant something, you know? Because I met you. And you changed me. For the better. On the most part. Ha. _

_"If I'm dead before you, then it's going to suck. Can't you come with me? No, no, you're right, I suppose you gotta go on being the hero-scientist guy. Fine. So, if this is the last thing of mine you ever get to have, then I guess I'd better tell you... I didn't have a damn clue what love was before you, Norm. You make me so happy. You know I'm someone who's always wanted to be thousands of feet above ground, just so I can get a bit closer to the stars. But with you... It's like the stars came down to me instead. Shit, Norm, when did I get so corny? This is your fault."_

Norm had to chuckle at that one, even as his eyes streamed over and tears slipped down his face.

"_I'm not gonna tell you a lie. I'm bloody terrified at the moment. I'm the tiger facing the dragon and it don't look like it's gonna end well. For anyone, really. Because there's gonna be death all over the sky in a little while, and I hate that I have to be part of it. I wish it were different, Norm. But since this is the crap life's thrown at me, I guess I'd better make the most of it. I'm gonna try to kick their asses and keep my own intact at the same time, but I can't make you any promises. Any minute now I'm gonna have to go, so it's time for me to wrap this up._

_I'll leave this in my bed, since you're the only one who's allowed in there_-"

She'd drawn a little winking face after that, and Norm didn't know whether to laugh or sob

_"- so I hope you never find it. God, I hope you don't. I hope I get to come and rip this miserable thing up when Quaritch is dead and buried so that neither of us have to think about what could happen. But just in case I don't, I'm gonna say it again._

_I love you._

_Maybe once more, just to make sure you don't forget or anything. _

_I love you. More than I love my Samson. I swear. That's not a lie. You're everything to me._

_Oh. Jake's calling. It's time to go. I'm doing what's right and I'm doing it because I never want to be a coward who won't stand up and fight. Wish me luck! Though I suppose that as you've found this letter, it's a bit too late for luck. Never mind. I love you anyway._

_Trudy."_

Norm didn't know how long he stayed in the bunker on Trudy's bed. He lay there, reflecting on what was and what could have been. It wasn't fair that he had lost her. It just wasn't fair. He wanted her back so badly, but he knew it never would happen.

It was time to do what she had told him in her final words to him and start to deal with life without her. Because, in actual fact, it wasn't without her. He would always have his Trudy, even if it wasn't quite in the way he wanted to.

Wherever she was now, she would have something of his and he would have something of hers. He had her love and she had his. No, it was more than that. They had each other's everything. And they would see each other again. Not for a while, but oh yes, Trudy Chacon wasn't really lost to him. And so, folding up the paper reverently, Norm left the bunker.

He didn't look back.

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**Hope that wasn't too terrible for you. I'm thoroughly depressed now. I may have to write something else to keep the brilliant Trudy alive. I'm not sure I'm strong-willed enough not to post an alternative version of this story... Still, for now all that's left to do is review, eh? Otherwise I'll be too scared to write again. =O =D**


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